Things are undoubtedly difficult to do when you're grieving. Errands are hard, appointments are hard, driving is hard. Therapy helps me, though. Knowing that a large amount of my fretting can be helped with making sure I eat, drink water, and take a nap isn't mindblowing, but that didn't stop me from trying to put those things off for no reason. Additionally, making more autistic friends recently has been helping me better meet my own needs as an autistic person. It's easier to recognize overstimulation and issues with a lack of rules/expectations when you have friends who know what to look for and how to handle those things. Everything is a work in progress. I've been having a lot of "that's your inner child talking" moments where I have to say "thanks for the input, but no one is going to abandon you. Let me, the adult, handle this." I've been breaking tasks like applying for a passport down into smaller and smaller tasks. It helps a whole lot, even if I move at a snail's pace. (Not to be like this, but I'm going to be like this: It's not like I have the funds to leave the country right now anyway, lol.)
Something nice that happened: I finished editing Snare and self-published it. I had originally sent a pitch to one of the few publishing houses that works with PbtA, and they didn't do that genre. I found the motivation to create a final copy, proofread it a whole lot, and put it up for sale. I've sold a few copies so far, and I'm just thrilled that the finished book is out there. any money I make is just money I didn't have before, so whether it sold 0 copies or only ever sells 5, I'll be happy. I just want people who love horror as much as I do to find joy in creating stories with their friends. My pipedream is that if a few people liked the pre-made session, I'll find motivation to publish a book with five more. (And...maybe even MORE!) I really just want to share how much fun I had playtesting these sessions, and help people "re-create" those moments of excitement and drama. I also want to hear how games go-- I want to see what they do differently, how people approach the concept of Snare, and all of the wonderful things people add to the game just by playing it.
So far, there's been progress on 4/4 of my 2023 plans. (Which I had mislabeled as 2022 plans in the original blog post...)
- Keep streaming games and art for fun
I got bored. I like having the recordings for posterity, but I can chat with my friends and play videogames without needing to be available for anyone else to see. It was fun to try out for sure.
- Start one new project (I don't have to finish it. Maybe I'll animate or write something.)
Snare is published!
- Keep in touch with people who want to be a larger part of my life after my Dad passing
In progress. I'm going to see a bunch of people for my sister's graduation (YAAAAY!!!!!!) so that's exciting. I'm so proud of her.
- Apply for a new passport so I can travel when I have the time and funds to
I am ever so slowly filling out this intimidating paperwork and scheduling a time to get a money order. (??? This needs to be online. Not to be a zoomer but...a money order...?)
I'm thinking I might need another goal, because I've had something brewing in me for a few years now. I really, really want to do drag. I have a few reasons for this. First, I need to love myself more. I want to believe that I'm the coolest person ever, because I don't right now. I get imposter syndrome a lot, I have maladaptive ways of seeking approval sometimes, and sometimes I make social choices out of fears that stem from childhood garbage that revolve all around a lack of self-acceptance. I need to foster that self-love more. Second, I love acting and performing. I want to do a little dacne and make cool faces. I want to dress up in awesome clothing and use some of my makeup skills. I want to wow a crowd and hear their applause. Third: A need a new creative outlet. I need to let some shit out more often, and crying and laying under a blanket just isn't enough. I need to jump up and down and lipsync to MCR or something.
I truly do NOT grasp how I will do this. I kind of know a little makeup, I fully know how to find/make/create clothes, I know wigs (enough), but I don't have the time, money, or understanding of what to do once I have stuff to wear and know a song to lipsync. What's stopping me is the fact that even if I did cobble something together with my limited time and money, I wouldn't know where to go with it, so I don't have any motivation. My only inkling is to ask a few people I know what do and where they started performing, and also ask a buddy of mine if I can perform a number at his Halloween party. (He has our mutual friend's band play on the porch, so adding another performance isn't super weird. It's just that kind of party.) I suppose I'll go from there.
Happy 2023. Slay?