It does indeed get easier to hold grief as time goes on. It's still rough, though. My Dad's birthday is April 11th, and mine is April 2nd. My body is physically responding with stress and anxiety in ways that I expected. (My brain started buzzing and I started feeling weird, even before I fully recognized the time of year.) I'm looking forward to my sister's graduation, though. It's going to be really amazing, but also incredibly sad without Dad there. I'm just glad that right now, I can exist for periods of time at an emotional equilibrium (and sometimes with joy). I'm still a changed person, but I'm not hating the person I'm becoming. I'm trying to love all the versions of myself, including this one. I haven't known this new me for very long yet, so I find it easier to love him.
I've been feeling a strange dread recently about not accomplishing the things I want to. As I proofread this, it's easy to argue back at myself and say "You're 26, you're a professional animation DIRECTOR, and you have hella savings!! You're a wunderkind!! A star!!! And even if you don't have those things, you're still AMAZING!" I just need to learn how to believe that with my whole chest. I know that I can do anything I set my mind to, but sometimes things just feel too insurmountable. I know that they just need to be broken down into tinier steps. I still want to do drag, and right now my next step is to just buy some more makeup supplies and practice. I noted to do that in my calendar in a few weeks when I have a less overwhelming weekend ahead of me. I'm also lamenting probably not being able to buy a home in the next year or two. I have the savings for a down payment, but I know that my partner and I should probably pay down our student loans first. (Rent and mortgage + property tax payments are probably equal right now...but that doesn't account for things like home repairs and closing costs. So. Renting it is.)
I'm at least glad that my career is going well. I work with wonderful people, and I know the risk I'm taking with indie game development will pay off. Even if I need to change workplaces in a year due to needing healthcare or a raise, I'll have some really amazing experience (and a higher-ranking job title) under my belt. I'd love to stick with my team forever right now, but I know that I'll need to actually get serious about saving for retirement again in a year or two. I'm nearly done with applying for a new passport. All that's left to do is package everything up, sign the paper, and drive down to the post office to send it away. I'm nervous that they won't accept the photo they took at the pharmacy for whatever reason, but I'm pretty sure they just send you a letter back that says "Hey, send us a new photo" according to other people's experiences. (Like, they don't just keep the money...lol.) My relationship is going really well. I love my partner so much, and we're so compatible in a million ways. I'm lucky to have them.
I've released two zines in the past few weeks, one of which is linked on my homepage. (The other is on my Itch.io too.) Billy & I is one of those projects that incredibly niche. It's made a number of people cry and feel more connected to me, which I'm glad for. I want people to understand and feel understood. One lovely reader sent me a long email about her feelings on it, her feelings on Saw, and shared a personal story with me. The fact that someone felt strongly enough about my art to send me an email about it is beautiful. I'll be thinking about that email for a very long time. I'd love to start working on another art project, but my wrist has been acting up enough to need some solid (outside-of-work) rest. So, it looks like I'll be catching up on some TV and writing instead of drawing for a month. I'd rather by drawing or crotcheting, but I need to look after my health.
I have things to be grateful for, and I have things to lament. The world is very kind, and I have many kind people surrounding me. I've been blessed with incredible luck and beauty in my life. I believe that with my entire heart. After re-reading this blog post to proofread, I feel far less blue. I can write letters back to my negative self-talk, and externalize my self-love to combat my self-hate. I'm a wonderful person who deserves love, grace, and beauty just like everyone else.