The past few months have been okay. I've mostly been juggling work and my social life, as well as helping emotionally support my Mom and sister. She just graduated, which is AWESOME! I'm so proud of her. I'm also so happy that she has a wonderful partner, and amazing friends. I'm just so, so thrilled that she's safe and okay. I've also been trying to allow myself to cry more and seek out help when I need it. Right now, I'm mostly just having trouble balancing work and my social life. I took on another contract to make up for some cut hours at work and instantly realized that I don't have the capacity to work 60 hours a week. It's not that I'm suffering (the job is awesome), it's just that I don't have enough time for friends or to replenish creative energy. So I'm still hanging out with folks when I can (I don't work Friday/Saturday at Job #2), but I'm not working on personal creative projects right now. That sucks, and I keep waffling on whether or not this choice was "bad" or "good". Honestly? It's both. This is a gray area. Every time I start to feel regret, I remember that I just paid off my last student loan AND my car loan. Every time I have to work all through Sunday, I get sad until I realize that my healthcare is paid for through the year. There's less money in my bank account (I knocked out those loans in one big payment each), but my financial future is brighter because of this.
It's only until September, and I'm sacrificing as little of my social life as possible. If I'm going to find my #grindset (gross) in my 20s, I'm glad it's only for a few months. I really love the project I'm moonlighting on (it's a gorgeous science fiction miniseries!), and I love the work at my day job (fighting game!). I love putting beautiful art into the world. My only real "Jesus, gross" moment was when someone said "Wow, you're really career driven!" Ugh. I feel like I physically recoiled. In actuality, I likely just laughed and said "I suppose!" I'm not career driven. I'm "being debt-free" driven. I'm "paying for my HRT" driven. I'm "not having to rent one day" driven. I was goaded into moonlighting by my own terror of financial ruin when my hours were briefly cut. Even though my work situation(s) are good, and I have plenty of cushion should I need to look for other work, I know I'll have to ward off that feeling some time in the future. (Or...at least find a contract that's 10 hours/wk or less, rather than 20.)
For now, I'm going to enjoy the feeling of being debt-free and take some deep breaths. I'm enjoying all of my current friendships, and my life is rich with love. I'm teaching myself javascript in my spare time with the goal of trying to create an incremental clicker game. I've made some pony bead bracelets that say stuff like "gay sex" and "bloody murder" on them. My sister is going to adopt a dog, and is looking for her first job out of collgee. I'm really, really happy for her. My partner is engaging is all kinds of new crafts and hobbies, and is interviewing for tons of cool places that are way better than their previous employer. I'm watching Cosmos and feeling comforted by the reminder of my place on this pale blue dot. No matter what happens, things will be okay.